


You & I (Bucky Barnes & The Winter Soldier)

by sal20nini



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 1940s, Awesome Howling Commandos, Captain America: The First Avenger, Domestic Avengers, Emotional Roller Coaster, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Heartbreaking, Marvel Universe, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Sad with a Happy Ending, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:08:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25809385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sal20nini/pseuds/sal20nini
Summary: Bucky Barnes has always been a heartbreaker. What happens when you fall for him? You, the pride of the 107th and the only female Howling Commando.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers
Comments: 2
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The heartbreak is inspired by the Infernal Devices trilogy by Cassandra Clare. When you think about it Will Herondale and James Barnes similar in some ways...

__

* * *

> _"_ _You and I,_
> 
> _Not even the Gods above can separate the two of us_
> 
> _No, nothing can come between_
> 
> _You and I."_

* * *

The year was 1940. The world had tumbled into chaos due to the Second World War. Y/N had decided not to sit back with her head in her hands. Her country needed her. It was time to step up. Most of her lady friends had opted for non-combatant roles. But Y/N was not like most women. She had lost her mother at a very young age and was brought up solely by her father. Her father raised her the only way he knew how to raise a child, like a son. He took her hunting, taught her to shoot, made her tough and strong, very much like a man. People laughed at him, called them names but he always said, _'People will talk now, Y/N but one day you will be their saving grace.'_

And that time had arrived.

She became a part of the 107th Infantry Regiment, the only woman in the group. At the beginning she did catch a few of them stare at her longer than she would've liked but eventually as time passed, they didn't treat her any different and became the best comrades she could've ever wished for.

One soldier, in particular, had caught her fancy, Sergeant James Barnes. He had been the talk of the town in Brooklyn and his flirtatious nature hadn't been tamed after his enlistment. Y/N couldn't remember a day that had gone by without him trying to chat her up. He constantly reminded her that the guns and soiled uniforms could not hide the fact that she was still a woman. At first, Y/N had angrily turned down his advances. She was furious that he thought of her as one of his playthings from Brooklyn.

But as time went by they found themselves trusting each other, sharing stories that they never thought they would. He told her about his best mate Steve and how he always picked up a fight. She told him about her earliest memories of her mother and about the time they relocated to Brooklyn from the countryside.

Amongst all the chaos they had managed to find an anchor in the form of each other.

* * *

_At Azzano in Umbria, Italy, many members of the 107th were pinned down by a vicious German assault and were eventually captured by HYDRA forces._

Y/N thought she could deal with being captured and tortured but she hadn't realised just how badly it would hurt. She wouldn't wish that kind of pain upon anyone, including her enemies.

They dragged her out of the cell first. She tried to escape their grasp with all her might. She kicked and bit and screamed but they pulled her hair and lifted her off the ground.

She shrieked but her eyes were filled with burning rage. Not a trace of fear.

"Let her go! She's done nothing, take me instead!" James yelled, grabbing the cell bars.

"Easy, lover boy. Your time will come" someone said in a thick German accent.

The voice belonged to a man wearing a white lab coat. A sickeningly evil grin was plastered on his face.

"Y/N!" He screamed as she disappeared down the corridor.

Sergeant Barnes couldn't sleep that night as Y/N 's screams echoed through the prison.

"Don't you get your filthy hands on her" he shouted, "or I swear I'll cut them off"

"I'll get out of here and cut them off" he shouted louder to make himself clear.

"Barnes..." Doogan said putting a hand on his shoulder.

James shook it off angrily.

"I got all of you into this... I'm the reason Y/N is going through god knows what!" He cried out punching the cell bars angrily.

"Sergeant!" The soldiers held him back.

Blood oozed out of his knuckles but he seemed to be numb to the pain.

And when the guards came for him he didn't bother to protest.

"I'm sorry" he mouthed as his comrades looked on.

They dragged him down the same corridor as Y/N.

"Sergeant Barnes, you're just in time for the finale" the man in the lab coat gave him a sinister smile.

"Y/N!"

James choked up when he saw her rolled out on a metal operating table. Her ankles and wrists were strapped down tightly. She had been stripped off of her uniform. Knife and blade wounds were spread across numerous places on her body- thighs, shoulder blades, stomach, you name it. All of them were oozing blood. She looked at him with tears in her eyes.

Anger boiled

He cursed at them as he furiously tried to escape their grasp. He roared out protests with all of his might as he struggled under their hold.

"Save your breath, Soldier," The man said as he made his way over to Y/N with a syringe filled with a blue liquid in hand.

"No!" James shouted but his cries were lost as Y/N let out a blood-curdling scream when the needle injected the liquid into her bloodstream.

James kept shouting till his throat went dry and his lungs started to hurt.

He was dragged down another corridor to a room and strapped down to an operating table like Y/N.

"Sergeant, I hope this goes better for you than it did for that girl," The man said before injecting the same blue liquid into James.

James felt his blood boil. He clenched his jaw, stopping himself from screaming out in pain. He didn't want to give them the satisfaction of hearing him scream.

But alas, he was only human. After a few minutes of bearing the pain, James cried out before passing out from exhaustion.

* * *

_Captain America arrives_

"Miss...miss" Steve tried waking the girl up careful not to touch her.

The rest of the 107th had told him that he would find Bucky here but instead, Steve had found Y/N lying unconscious on the metal table.

"Miss, wake up," he said again splashing some water on her face.

"Wha-" Y/N coughed opening her eyes.

"I'm here to help. The rest of your men are fighting the guards. I-I just need to know where I can find Bucky"

Steve helped her up. Her skin was icy cold to touch. Various wounds lined her skin and her blood had dried in clumps over it. Steve averted his eyes.

"Bucky?" Y/N asked, a confused look on her face.

"James- Sergeant James Barnes"

Her eyes lit up in recognition.

"Are you-is your name Steve?"

Steve seemed startled. He wasn't used to people knowing him as just Steve. To most people, he was Captain America, not some boy from Brooklyn.

"Steve Rogers, at your service" he smiled.

"Well, James' description did you no justice" she smirked.

"I might've bulked up since the last time he saw me," Steve laughed, "do you know where they took him?"

"I wish I did," she sighed, "but he's around here somewhere"

"Can you walk?"

Y/N took a few steps ahead only to clutch her sides in pain. Steve caught hold of her immediately.

"Rest. I'll come back for you" Steve assured her.

"Please find him" she whispered.

Steve nodded solemnly and headed down a dark corridor.

He could hear footsteps thumping in the distance. Two armed men were guarding a door.

"Fellas" Steve surprised them with a punch knocking them out instantly.

"Sergeant. 32557..."

The familiar voice was coming from the room.

"Bucky? Oh, my God" Steve frantically unstrapped his old friend.

"Is that..." Bucky groaned.

"It's me. It's Steve"

"Steve?" Bucky looked up at him.

"Come on" Steve helped him up.

"Steve," Bucky said again.

"I thought you were dead," Steve smiled.

"I thought you were smaller" Bucky smirked.

"Come on" Steve feigned annoyance.

"What happened to you?" Bucky asked genuinely concerned.

"I joined the Army," Steve said matter of factly.

"Did it hurt?"

"A little" Steve admitted.

"Is it permanent?" Bucky asked eyeing him as if he had suddenly grown two heads.

"So far" he muttered.

"Y/N!" Bucky stopped in his tracks, "y/n we have to save her." He put a hand on Steve's shoulder.

"Is that the girl who was strapped to the table like you?"

"Yes!" Bucky exclaimed overjoyed, "Is she alright? Did you meet her? Where is she?"

"Buck, calm down! She's alright, I told her I'd come back for-"

"Let's go, then, hurry up!" Bucky called to his friend.

"Careful! Buck, wait up! You don't know the way!!" Steve ran behind him.

But James 'Bucky' Barnes didn't care. In the last few minutes, he had been reunited with his 'used to be skinny with a lot of health conditions' best-friend who had, for a change, saved him from being experimented on by the Germans. And now he had been informed that Y/N was alive and mostly safe. He wasn't going to waste another second in a room where she wasn't present.

"Ja-James" her eyes lit up with happiness.

She was trembling in the corner of the room slouched against the wall.

Bucky wouldn't have spotted her if she hadn't called out his name.

"Y/N! I'm here! I'm here, doll." He raced in her direction.

"Bucky" she coughed, the dry hacking sound shaking her body, "are you okay?"

He chuckled, a tear slipping from his eye as he enveloped her in a hug. "Just peachy," he smiled, "oh my god you're freezing." He held her closer rubbing her back trying to warm her up.

"Take this." Steve held up a coat.

Bucky wrapped the coat around her. The corner of his lip was tilted in a sweet, crooked smile.

"There," he said, "much better."

"Buck we need to get out of here" Steve reminded.

Bucky nodded and turned to follow him. Y/N staggered forward only to collide into Bucky.

"Y/N, love you can do this, I know you can," he said softly as he held you up.

A tear left her eye as she wrapped her arms around his waist, burying her face in his chest.

He held onto her tightly, his head falling into the crook of her neck.

He pulled back just enough for her to look at him, up close. Y/N had forgotten how blue his eyes were. She had forgotten how beautiful they were.

His eyes trailed down her face to her lips. In seconds his lips crashed against yours.

The kiss was a rushed one but it was still gentle and passionate at the same time.

"We'll make it through this," he said when they pulled apart.

Y/N nodded smiling through her tears. They jogged forward hand in hand to where Steve was waiting for them with a grin on his face.

"Quit it, punk" Bucky grumbled.

"Jerk" Steve replied making both, Bucky and you laugh.

* * *

_1944_

_Civilians are celebrating the victory over the Nazis. Peggy Carter has warned the others that the threat is not over until HYDRA has been completely uprooted._

After what happened at Azzano, Y/N thought that she and James would only come out with a stronger bond. But as she sat twirling the straw of her drink at the bar, she realised just how wrong she had been to assume such a thing.

"Y/N? Is everything alright?" Steve enquired noticing her firmly set jaw and the anger in her eyes.

"No." She huffed as she glared at Bucky who was flirting with a leggy brunette at the bar.

Peggy who was sitting across from Y/N followed her gaze.  
"You're angry with Barnes," she said it as a statement instead of a question.

"What makes you say that?" Y/N grumbled annoyed.

"Uh, it's not very subtle when you're shooting daggers at him" Peggy smiled.

"Ugh!" Y/N muttered, "I'm sick of him acting like nothing ever happened between us!"

Steve sighed, "he's awful and expressing feelings and stuff, just give him some time, Y/N."

He patted her shoulder with a sympathetic smile on his face.

"Time? It's been two years Steve! Two years since Azzano and he hasn't uttered a word about what happened. And trust me I've tried to confront him a million times but he keeps deflecting..." She paused and took a deep breath before continuing, "I'm just tired, Steve." She shut her eyes, dropping her hands to the table. "You know what? I-I don't care anymore. He can go flirt with every dame he sees, I don't care."

"He'll come around," Peggy said giving her hand a reassuring squeeze.

"I doubt it" Y/N sighed sadly. "Pegg, you know me. You know I'm not the kind of girl who gets hung up on a guy. But Bu-Bucky...I can't seem to get him out of my mind and it's driving me crazy!"

Y/N pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration.

She couldn't bear to watch him charm a perfect stranger. It broke her heart and a part of her felt that he knew it. He knew what he meant to her and if that kiss in Azzano was any proof, Y/N was sure that her feelings were not unrequited.

But for some reason, James Buchanan Barnes wanted to play a cruel game with her heart.

She watched as he leaned in and kissed the girl on her cheek, making her giggle.

The rage flared in her yet again. But this time she stood up and stomped over in his direction.

She could hear Steve calling after her but there was no turning back now. Steve's calls were enough to alert Bucky and he still had the audacity to calmly stand there with a smug grin on his face.

"Barnes, you-you jerk, you better listen-" Y/N yelled pointing a finger at his face.

"Nope! Nothing to listen to," Steve interjected, "she's just messing around" he laughed nervously, "let's go back Y/N." He tried to pull her towards the table they were seated at.

"No! Steve let me do this, "Y/N shrugged him off.

"Y/N, now you don't want to cause a scene here, do you doll? So let's talk outside, okay? Just you and me, doll" He gave her his signature lopsided smile putting a hand around her waist to guide towards the door.

"Don't touch me!" She swatted his hand away. "And don't call me that!"

"As you wish, doll" Bucky grinned.

She gave him the side-eye.

It was a chilly night but the cold didn't seem to bother Y/N. Her aching heart had already made her numb all over.

"What's the problem?" Bucky asked impatiently.

"The problem?" Y/N huffed taking a step closer to him, "You, _James Barnes_! You are the problem!" She shoved him angrily. "You keep batting your eyes at every woman we run across!"

"And what's wrong with that?" he asked annoyed.

"Don't you do that!" Y/N shouted.

"Do what?"

"Act like you don't understand how all of this is making me feel..."

"Y/N.." he said softly taking her hand.

"Don't touch me!" She jerked her hand away from his.

"I-I don't understand why you're acting like this, James. But if that kiss in Azzano meant anything to you-if I mean anything to you then you'll stop doing this. At least when I'm around because I don't think I can watch you flaunt around, ruffling your feathers around every female you see, anymore. I-I love you, Buck and I don't expect you to love me in return but I think I still deserve some respect."

She looked up at him searching his blue eyes for any sign of remorse.

"Hell, Y/N are you being serious right now?" He let out a small laugh, "I'm not going to change myself for you. You mean nothing to me. And as for Azzano, it has been so long I've forgotten about it and I suggest you do the same."

He paused and took a deep breath to calm himself down. He put a hand on her shoulder sending a chill down her spine.

"Look, doll, a man's got needs and I'm sorry to say but you were simply a means to an end"

Y/N couldn't believe that he had actually said that. She couldn't believe that this was the same man who had tended to her wounds when she was injured. The one who had sung her to sleep when she had woken up screaming in the middle of the night because of a nightmare. Most of all she could not believe that this was the man she had given her heart and soul to.

"You're disgusting, Barnes. I-I don't want nothing to do with you hereafter" she screamed backing away from him. Tears ran down her face. She felt like the air had been squeezed out of her lungs. She couldn't breathe. Everything just ached. It was a wonder that her knees hadn't given way already.

"I didn't ask for you to love me," he said unbothered.

"Just leave, please" she croaked.

With that, Bucky turned around swiftly leaving Y/N a crying mess in his wake.

* * *

Bucky spent the night drowning his sorrows with a bottle of bourbon. He couldn't shake the image of Y/N's teary face but what else could he have done? He had been left with no choice. He couldn't let her know that he loved her, loved her way more than she could ever imagine. It hurt that he couldn't tell her that. It hurt that he couldn't be with her. It hurt that he had to make her hate him. But Bucky knew that this was the only way to keep her safe. He knew that if he tried explaining all of this to Y/N, she would never understand. She would never believe him.

* * *

"Y/N?" Steve looked around, "Y/N, what the hell are you okay?" He called out softly as he rushed to her side when he noticed her sitting down on the pavement with her head in her hands.

Dry racking sobs greeted him when he got closer.

"Y/N, it's alright, I'm here," he cooed.

"Steve what happ-oh my god"

Peggy couldn't believe her eyes when she saw Y/N's tear-stained face and pink puffy eyes.

"Peg, can you take her home? I'm going to go have a word with Buck," Steve helped Y/N up, "we love you, Y/N, remember that." He wrapped her in a hug and planted a kiss on her forehead before letting her go.

Peggy smiled, "Let's get you home and I'll fix you some tea, alright?" She wrapped her arm around Y/N protectively as they walked home.

* * *

Somewhere in between crying, baring her soul out to Peggy and drinking peppermint tea, Y/N had found herself falling asleep. She woke up to voices whispering in the living room. Steve and Peggy's.

"Hey" Y/N forced a smile as she leaned against the doorframe.

"Hey! Did we wake you?" Peggy asked.

"No no I jus- what's that?" Y/N pointed at the piece of paper in Steve's hand.

His brow furrowed. "I-uh- found it at Buck-"

Y/N snatched the piece of paper from his hands before he could complete the sentence. She opened it hastily but was careful not to tear it.

_To my darling angel, Y/N,_

It was unmistakably Bucky's handwriting. A part of her was so furious with him that it made her want to tear the letter up without even reading it. But alas, her love for him overpowered her hatred and she read on.

_Please, please don't stop reading. I know you're angry and you have good reason to be too. You don't have to believe what I tell you but it was worth a shot._

_The truth is, I'm cursed, doll. I have been cursed since the day I was born. Everyone who has ever cared for me has suffered a terrible fate. My parents, my sister...every single one of them._

I _know what you're thinking, 'What about Steve?' Trust me, that thought kept me up at night. I let Steve get close to me because he was already so sickly that if God forbid anything did happen to him, it was easy to convince myself that it wasn't because of me. But with the super-soldier serum that's changed too._  
 _I almost lost you in Azzano and that day I promised myself that I'd never risk it again._

_The only way to keep you from loving me was to make you hate me and you, my darling girl didn't seem to give up on me, until tonight. I thought that I could live with you hating me, knowing that it would keep you safe. But tonight when I saw the anger and hurt in your eyes, I realised just how wrong I had been._

_So I'm doing myself a favour and removing myself from your life. I'm moving as far as possible but I couldn't do it before telling you this; Y/N, my love, for as long as the sun shines your laughter will be my favourite song and your perfume will be my favourite scent. Then when the sun sets and the moon lights up the night sky, yours will be the lips I dream about. As long as there is air in my lungs and a beating hurt in my chest, yours will be the only soul I have ever loved, baby girl._

_Please don't go looking for me. I don't think I can find it in me to walk away from you again._

_Yours forever and ever,_   
_James._   
  
  


She sniffed wiping her tears with her sleeves. "We have to find him, Steve. He couldn't have gone very far," she croaked.

"Y/N there's something I have to tell you," Steve said, "sit down, please."

"Just say it, Steve," she protested.

"There was an accident. They found his bike on the scene and his bag," Steve choked up.

"But he's alright, right? Did they take him to the hospital or something? Say something, Steve!" She yelled. Peggy put a hand on her shoulder to calm her down but she shrugged it off.

"They-they couldn't find him." He couldn't meet Y/N's gaze.

"No!" She shrieked and ran into Steve's arms. She beat her hands against his chest in frustration.

"Shh," he held her running a hand through her hair, trying to calm her down.

She cried into his chest until there were no tears left to cry. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Winter Soldier arrives...

> _"I see what it's like._   
>  _I see what it's like for day and night,_   
>  _Never together._   
>  _'Cause they see things in a different light._   
>  _Like us, but they never tried_   
>  _Like us."_

* * *

Y/N and Steve walked to the apartment they shared after a lousy day at the S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters. They had thought it was a better idea than living alone and exploring this century individually.

The only downside to this arrangement was that every single person who knew them thought that they were a thing.

Never in her wildest dreams had Y/N thought of Steve as anything other than a brother. But as it turned out knowing a man for over seventy-three years and being frozen for seventy of them meant that you two were definitely a couple.

Little did they know that both of them had given their hearts away a long time ago.

It wasn't their fault that Steve and Y/N's futures had been snatched away from them. It wasn't their fault that they couldn't grow old together with the greatest loves of their respective lives. It wasn't their fault that almost everyone they knew only lived in their memories and that the two of them were all that was remaining of their past lives.

Y/L let out an audible sigh.

"What's on your mind" Steve called from behind you as you climbed up the stairs.

"A lot of things," she mumbled, nodding at their neighbour Kate.

She continued down the hall. Her ears perked up when she got near their door. The door was open and she could hear the sound of music echoing from inside. She looked back at Steve.

"Oh, and Steve?" She heard Kate say, "I think you left your stereo on."

Steve gave Y/N a confused look as Kate walked down the stairs and out of sight.

Y/N decided to go in, a gun ready to fire in her hand. Steve climbed the fire escape and got in via the window. There was no escape for whatever was inside the apartment.

Steve ran quickly till his back was facing Y/N, shield in hand as Y/N pointed her gun as she rounded a corner. Both of them let out a sigh of relief and lowered their weapons when they found Nick Fury sitting in the recliner.

"I don't remember giving you a key," Steve said, clearly irritated.

"You really think I'd need one?" Fury smirked, "My wife kicked me out."

"Didn't know you were married," Steve said, not making an effort to keep the annoyance out of his voice.

"There's a lot you two don't know about me."

Y/N turned a light on, which Fury flipped off immediately. He showed a message he had typed on his phone screen while he continued to talk.

"I'm sorry to have to do this, but I had no place else to crash."

' _EARS EVERYWHERE.'_ The message read.

Steve and Y/N exchanged a look.

He wrote another text _; 'SHIELD compromised'_

"Who else knows about your wife?" Y/N asked knowingly.

"Just...my friends."

_'US'_

"Is that what we are?" Steve questioned, keeping the conversation going.

"That's up to you." Fury said as he got up.

Suddenly, all hell broke loose. Fury was shot three times through the wall and he collapsed on the spot.

Steve looked out of the window for the shooter and Y/N quickly dragged Fury to the next room. He placed something in her hand before she left. A flash drive.

"Don't...trust anyone." He sputtered before passing out.

"Y/N do you hear that?" Steve whispered.

Y/N listened closely. It sounded like someone was breaking into the apartment.

"Captain Rogers?" 

The voice belonged to Kate. Y/N could see her walking in with her gun.

Y/N grabbed her from behind and held a hand over her mouth.

"Drop your weapon." She hissed.

She dropped her weapon but wriggled under Y/N's grasp, constantly shaking her head as if she wanted to say something.

"Kate?" His brows furrowed in confusion. "Y/N let her speak." He ordered.

"But-"

"Do it!" He interjected.

"Captain, I'm Agent 13 of SHIELD Special Service." She said as she caught her breath.

"Come on that's not true!" Y/N exclaimed with a frustrated look on her face.

"It is true. I'm assigned to protect you both."

"Pssh! Protect us?" Y/N scoffed.

"On whose order?" Steve asked.

"His" she looked at Nick Fury lying injured on the ground.

"Oh come on! Steve don't tell me you are honestly buying this." She looked at him pointedly.

Before he could say anything 'Kate' rushed to Fury and spoke into the speaker.

"Foxtrot is down, he's unresponsive. I need EMTs."

"Foxtrot?" Y/N mouthed. A quizzical look on her face.

Steve just shrugged in response.

"Do you have a twenty on the shooter?" An agent answered promptly.

"Tell them I'm in pursuit," Steve said as he noticed the shooter through the window.

And just like that he smashed through the window and ran after the assassin.

"Steve!" Y/N called out after him. "Damn it! You better be who you said you were," she warned Kate before running after Steve.

She chased after them through an office trying to get a hit on the shooter but he was way too fast. Y/N had noticed that he had a metal arm with a red star painted on it. They had reached the rooftop now. The assassin had run towards the edge of the roof. Steve threw his shield at him.

Y/N let out a gasp when she saw him catch the shield midair in one swift move like it was a frisbee. Y/N raced after him after she had recovered from her initial state of shock and ducked just in time as he flung the shield back in Steve's direction. The assassin proceeded to jump off the building. Y/N was ready to leap after him but Steve held her back.

"Y/N stop!" He pulled her back from the edge.

"Why did you stop me? I can't see him anymore. We've lost him! All because of you." She yelled.

"Don't be ridiculous, Y/N! There was nothing to break your fall. You could've died." He shook her by the shoulders as if to knock some sense into her.

"You don't know that!" She screamed pushing him away.

Just like Steve, Y/N had some super-soldier serum running through her veins too. But the concoction H.Y.D.R.A had put in her when she was captured in Azzano had worked its magic slowly. Her body didn't change as drastically as Steve's had but that was partly due to the fact that Steve didn't have much of a physique before the serum anyway. She was faster and stronger than before but not as much as Steve. It only made sense that Steve didn't feel like finding out if she could survive a twenty storey fall.

"I have a feeling we'll see him again." He said.

* * *

Sleep never came to Y/N, that night. She kept tossing and turning restlessly, a single image was playing through her head over and over again.

 **His eyes**.

There was something familiar about them. She hadn't realised it before due to the black pigment that was smeared around his eyes.

After a while of staring at the ceiling, Y/N got up and wrapped her blanket around herself so that it went over her head like a hood and dropped down to her ankles. For some reason, she was very sensitive to the cold. Maybe it had something to do with being frozen for seventy years.

She tip-toed towards the living room, not wanting to wake Steve up.

"Can't sleep?"

"Steve! You scared me," she shrieked.

He was sitting by the shattered window in the living room.

"You too?" She sat beside him.

"Can't stop thinking about what Nick said. How am I supposed to trust anyone, anymore?" He sighed.

"I guess we just have to look out for each other." Y/N gave him a weak smile.

"What's been haunting your mind?" He asked as he stared out of the window.

"The man with the metal arm."

* * *

_skip to the best fight scene in the MCU_

"HYDRA doesn't like leaks," Sitwell warned.

Sam was driving to the Triskelion along with Y/N, Natasha, Steve and their hostage Sitwell.

"So why don't you try sticking a cork in it," Sam replied, making Y/N snicker in the passenger seat.

"Insight's launching in sixteen hours, we're cutting it a little bit close here," Natasha said. She was sitting in the back seat with Steve and Sitwell was sandwiched between the two of them. 

"I know. We'll use him to bypass the DNA scans and access the Helicarriers directly." Steve quipped.

"What?! Are you crazy? That is a terrible, terrible idea." Sitwell glanced nervously at Natasha and Steve.

There was a loud thud on the roof of the car.

"What is-"

Before Y/N could finish her question the car door was ripped open and Sitwell was pulled out of the car. Natasha held on to him as he screamed. But she was no match for the Winter Soldier and she knew it. As soon as she let go Sitwell went flying out into the oncoming traffic.

If the impact hadn't killed him, he was surely dead now. 

Nat had told them about the Soldier. He was a ghost story. Most of the intelligence community didn't believe he existed. He had been credited with over two dozen assassinations in the last fifty years. But Y/N couldn't shake the feeling that there was something more to his story.

The Soldier opened fire, still perched upon the car roof. Nat and Steve leapt ahead to avoid getting shot.

Y/N pulled the brake handle making the Winter Soldier drop down onto the street. But just then a car smashed into their car pushing them towards the Soldier.

He jumped back onto the car.

"Holy shit! Sam do something!"

Before Sam could reply, the Soldier smashed through the windscreen and pulled out the steering wheel.

"Seriously?" Sam yelled.

Natasha and Y/N shot at the Winter Soldier but he jumped onto the vehicle behind them as the car swerved out of control.

"We've got to get out before we're roadkill. Any ideas?" Y/N said.

"Hang on!" Steve yelled and broke open the door.

Y/N held onto the door for her dear life as they slid through the street.

"Give me a break" she sighed as more men joined the Winter Soldier and they opened fire.

She shot only to hit his mask. They had a clear advantage in this fight, owing to their vantage point, numbers and weapons. But the four of them weren't the kind who would give up.

"Make an LZ, twenty-three hundred blocks of Virginia Avenue. Rendezvous two minutes. Taking fire above and below expressway. Civilians threatened. Repeat, civilians threatened."

Y/N could hear Nat's voice as clear as daylight. Concerned she made her way towards in while keeping in mind to stay low. Y/N is dismayed to find a phone playing a recording of Nat's voice as a bomb rolls over to the car.

"Shit!" she muttered as she realised what was going on.

"I've got this" Sam announced as he swooped in and grabbed Y/N out of harm's way just seconds before the bomb exploded.

"Atta gal!" She mumbled as she saw Natasha jump onto the Soldier's back. Her happiness didn't last long as he threw her off him and chased after her.

"Get out of the way! Stay out of the way!" Y/N raced through the street warning the civilians. Sam helped the ones in immediate danger and got them out of the line of action.

Y/N darted towards Steve as she noticed the Soldier take away his shield. She shot at him from behind. He turned around furiously and flung Steve's shield at her. Steve had trained with Steve a million times and had found herself in this exact situation every single time. She caught it and stood her ground before hurling it at him again. The Soldier wasn't expecting it. He was caught off guard. But it didn't do much damage other than making his mask come off.

Y/N caught her breath. She finally had the chance to see his face but he was looking away from her, at Steve, who had found his shield and was ready to fight. Upon seeing the man, Steve lowered his shield, his expressions softened.

"Bucky?"

Y/N felt like her entire world had been flipped upside down. She could barely stand. Her guns clattered onto the ground. She hadn't even seen his face yet. She didn't even know if it was the truth, if her Bucky was still alive.

"Who the hell is Bucky?" He aimed straight at Steve.

"James" Y/N cried out in a shrill, piercing voice.

It was enough to earn his attention. And then she saw it. His face. It was _him_. Slight stubble, longer hair but his eyes, his eyes were still _his._ Blue like the ocean. Calm on the surface but chaotic on the inside. It hurt being away from him for so long. She yearned to see her reflection in his eyes.

She ran towards him tears streaming down her face.

"Y/N! Stop" Steve yelled.

But she didn't care. She wasn't going to lose him, not this time.

The Soldier couldn't comprehend everything that was happening around him at that moment. He never felt anything. He never remembered anything unless his handler had asked him to. But right now pictures were flashing through his brain. He could recognise himself, the woman running towards him and the man with the shield. He was smiling, dancing, joking about in these pictures from some other century. But he was certain he hadn't done any of those things. He was certain that man wasn't him.

All of those images made his brain hurt. He felt like he was waging a war with himself. He shot at the woman angrily, wanting all of it to stop.

Y/N dodged the bullet easily. It only made her certain that her Bucky was still inside because the Winter Soldier never missed a shot.

The Soldier's finger hovered over the trigger as she got closer but he hesitated. His gun was still raised as she collided with him wrapping him in a hug. Y/N could feel him stiffen under her embrace. He lowered the gun but he stood frozen in place. His arms didn't wrap around her immediately as they always did all those years ago.

"That...that perfume, I know it," he pushed her away. "Who are you?" He gave her a puzzled look.

"Y/N Y/L/N" she said with tears in her eyes.

They looked into each other's eyes searching for a hint of recognition.

Natasha grabbed hold of the grenade launcher which had been dropped by the Soldier. She shot without hesitation.

"No!" Steve cried as he ran with his shield to where the explosion had taken place.

When the smoke cleared both the Soldier and Y/N were nowhere to be found.

"What have you done?" He looked at Nat.

"He's gone, Steve. Whoever that man was, he's not your friend. Not anymore. Y/N would never have understood that. She would have never left his side." She dead-panned.

"Well, I don't believe he's not in there. And I'm going to prove that, whether you're with me or not." He muttered angrily.

"The girl is not dead, Rogers! If she can she will break through your friend. If she can't, nobody else can. I did the right thing, Steve, you know I did. You just don't have the guts to admit it." She hissed.

"Sam, we're going to have to search this area." He clenched his jaw and turned away from her.

"On it, Cap," Sam replied on the comms.

* * *

"James, let go! You're hurting me!" The Soldier's metal arm was clasped tightly around Y/N's wrists.

He stopped in his tracks. He felt like it wasn't the first time he had heard her say those words. He tried hard to remember but his mind was a blank slate. Nothing came up. He pushed her towards the wall in a dark alleyway.

"Whatever it is your going through, we can help you," she put her hands up defensively as he pointed a gun at her.

Silence followed.

"You're that girl," he said finally, "that girl I see when I close my eyes."

Y/N sucked in a breath. _He remembered her._ After every torture he had been put through, he hadn't forgotten her.

"On the good days I can hear her laughter echoing through my brain," he continued, "on the bad ones she kisses me, I can feel her lips on mine." He looked away as if he was having trouble processing all of it.

"I thought I had lost you." Y/N stepped ahead to touch his face but withdrew her hand when he shook his head.

"This isn't real," he said, "you aren't real. You are a lie just like everything else. A figment of my imagination." He paused and took a deep breath before continuing. "But I don't know what's real and what's not, how can I? I don't even know who I am." His voice softened.

"Oh, Bucky," she sighed.

"That-that name, the man on the bridge called me that."

"Steve. He's your friend, James. Your oldest friend. He loves you, we both love you. Please, please just come home." She reached out to him and placed a hand on his cheek. Her thumb caressed his cheekbones gently. Her touch was full of love, something the soldier wasn't used to.

"He's my mission." He looked into her eyes. She could see that he was hurting. She could see that he was trying hard to remember and it was taking a toll on him. After all, we are the sum total of our experiences.

"Your mission?"

"They gave me orders to kill him."

"Who, Buck. Who did?"

"Them. The men."

"H.Y.D.R.A. They put you through this didn't they." Her jaw clenched and she kicked a wall furiously. A few bricks crumbled to the ground. "They must have found you after the accident. That's why they never found a body. It all makes sense now. After all these years." She kicked it again. The wall cracked forming a giant hole. Bucky held his gun up defensively.

"Buck, you have to come with me. I know you don't remember us but you have to trust us." She turned towards him again. She opened the front zipper of her suit.

"What are yo-" His brows knitted up as he lowered his gun.

She produced a piece of paper and a photograph. Bucky set the gun down and took it from her hand, their fingers brushed lightly.

"I carry it with me. A piece of you, close to my heart." She smiled. "It's the 107th we were in it together. I clicked that picture. I don't know if you remem-"

"I don't." He cut her off.

"You wrote that letter, before-before you left." She choked up.

He examined the letter carefully. The page was crinkled and the ink had faded but the words were still legible.

"I don't remember writing this, Miss but if I did write this there's enough evidence in front of you to see that I'm dangerous. Death and destruction follow me. Nothing has changed, with or without memories."

"Please Buck we can help you, you've got to at least try."

"I-I can't hurt you, not again. I-I'm not in control anymore." He faltered.

"I can defend myself, _James_. You can't go back to those men! They will torture you! Put you through the blender again..."

"I know. I won't go back to them. I'll go off the grid, that way I won't hurt anyone else. I'll try to learn about my past. Get back all my memories." He gave her a sad smile.

"You can do that with us. Please, Buck." She pleaded.

"There's too much at stake. It is safer my way. Please, if there is any part of you that did love me, you'll let me do this. Let me go." He put his hands on her shoulders.

She wrapped her hands around his neck and pulled him close. Her lips pressed against his. There was a sense of urgency and desperation in the kiss. And just like the first time, she could taste salty tears and mint.

He pulled away first. His eyes were filled with love and happiness for the very first time.

"I'll come back to you." He whispered.

"Ja-James..." she sputtered.

But he was already out of sight like a ghost in the dark.

Y/N slid down against the wall, crying. She had lost him again.

"Y/N, you alright?" Steve ran to her, shield in hand.

"Perimeter is clear," Sam said perched upon the roof of the building.

"He's gone, Steve. Again. I couldn't make him stay," she sniffled.

"We'll find him, Y/N. I promise you, if Buck is still in there, we will keep him safe." He helped her to her feet.

"I-I don't think we should." She mumbled.

"Why would you say that?"

"He said that he would find his way back to us once he has regained his memories. He wanted us to give him time."

"And you think we should? Are you sure he'll come back, Y/N?" Steve asked concerned.

"I don't know but I'm ready to wait, however long it takes."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A happy ending for once.

> **_"_ ** _I figured it out,_
> 
> _I figured it out from black and white._
> 
> _Seconds and hours,_

_Maybe they had to take some time."_

* * *

_'TRINGG!'_ The sound of the doorbell forced Y/N out of her slumber.

"Steve, can you get the door?" She mumbled sleepily hoping she had been loud enough for him to hear.

"Ugh!" She groaned when the bell rang again. "Coming!" She yelled pulling the covers off of her. She glanced at the clock. 8 AM. Whoever was at the door better have good reason to wake her up.

She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes as she opened the front door.

"Wha-"

Y/N didn't finish the question when her eyes fell upon the visitor. She caught the doorframe to save herself from falling over.

She had wished for this exact moment for two whole years. She had played it out in her head a million times over but none of them included bed hair, morning breath and Star Wars-themed pyjamas.

The Star Wars movies had been her favourite thing in the world ever since Tony had introduced it to Steve and her. But no matter how much she liked it, Star Wars pyjamas was the last thing she wanted to be seen in right now.

Her eyes flicked to his hand, he was holding a bouquet of beautiful peonies, her favourite.

_Did he remember?_

"Hey," he smiled a genuine smile. His eyes scanned hers nervously. "These are for you," he said.

" _James_..."

His smile grew wider as soon as his name left her mouth.

She wrapped her arm around his neck, burying her fingers in his soft curls. He stood frozen in place.

She could feel his shoulders tense and his heart hammering in his chest.

All she wanted to do was crash her lips against his but there were two things stopping her from doing just that. The first being she hadn't brushed her teeth yet, she didn't want the love of her life to run away because of a stinky kiss. And the second, probably the most important one of all, he hadn't wrapped his arms around her...yet.

She just had to find it in herself to wait a little longer.

Her heart ached with disappointment but she did her best not to show it.

"I'm so sorry." She backed away.

"Aren't you going to invite me in?"

She took the flowers from his hand. "Yea, sorry." She let out a small laugh as she moved away. "Have a seat I'll be right back."

Bucky smiled and sat down on the sofa. He scanned the room. It was fairly empty, only necessary furniture dotted the room. He didn't spot any pictures on the wall.

The place was a far cry from the room he remembered being hers. But then again he wasn't so sure he remembered correctly.

After all, how was he supposed to trust his mind?

Y/N rushed to her room. She brushed her teeth with one hand and combed her unruly hair with the other. She stripped down to her underwear as she ran to the closet.

"F*ck" she cursed as her toe hit the leg of the bed. She limped the remainder of the distance and changed into an olive body con dress.

Not having enough time to shower, she sprayed on a ton of perfume. A floral scent she knew he liked.

Finally, she took a deep breath before heading outside. Her heart was still hammering in her chest. He hadn't said her name yet. She didn't even know if he remembered it. Is that why he was here? Was he going to tell her that he didn't remember anything?

She shook away her thoughts and glanced into the room across hers. It was empty.

"Steve's not home, I guess" she announced as she entered the living room.

"I know."

Bucky let out a sigh of relief when he realised they were using separate rooms. He knew it was probably stupid to be suspicious but things could always change with time. He just wanted to be sure, that was all.

Y/N cocked an eyebrow at him.

"I might have waited until you were alone."

He looked at her for the first time since she had entered the room. His eyes travelled down her body. He had never seen her like this. The dresses he remembered seeing her in were completely different. They didn't hug her curves like this one. They were much more conservative, from a different era altogether.

Y/N shifted nervously as he eyed her from head to toe. A look of longing evident in his eyes. She took the opportunity to check him out too. His hair was long just like they had been on the bridge two years ago. A stubble dotted his face, making him look older. He was wearing a brick-red shirt with skinny black jeans and a jacket. His metal arm glistened in the sunlight streaming from the windows.

"I-I wanted to talk." He stuttered.

"Buck, do you remember what we used to be?" Y/N said with her eyes closed. She was standing with her back to the kitchen counter putting as much distance between them as possible. She was afraid that if she got any closer again, she wouldn't be able to resist him.

"I..." his throat went dry, "can I have some water?"

"Of course, sorry." Y/N brought him a glass of water. Their fingers brushed as she handed it to him, jolts of electricity immediately tingled her skin.

She turned to walk back to her previous position but he grabbed her wrist.

"I remember."

She sucked in a breath as a tear trickled down her cheek. She had been dying to hear those words.

"I hate seeing you cry." He frowned.

"I'm not crying." She shook her head, wiping away her tears. "I'm happy." She smiled.

Bucky mirrored her smile and pulled her into the seat beside him.

"What do you remember?" She asked.

His hand was still wrapped around her wrist. He didn't feel like leaving it. How he wished he had wrapped his arms around her when she's hugged him at the door. But what could he do? He wasn't used to people showing him affection. H.Y.D.R.A had made sure that he didn't remember what it was like to be loved. It was part of the reason why recollecting everything Y/N and he had shared had taken so long.

"Bits and pieces, mostly." He answered truthfully.

Bucky let go of her wrist. His hand had started to get sweaty.

He could see the disappointment in her eyes at the sudden loss of contact.

"My name, do you remember it?" She looked at him anxiously.

He nodded.

"You haven't said it even once since you arrived." She pointed out.

He understood her anger.

He hadn't said it before because he was afraid he would utter something he wasn't supposed to. He didn't want to mess anything up.

"Y/N Y/LN..." he mumbled. He could hear her suck in a breath. "Pride of the 107th and my heart's only wish." He added.

"Oh, Bucky." She sighed, raising her hand to touch his face. Her thumb gently caressed his cheek. Her eyes shifted between his eyes and his lips.

Could she kiss him now?

She didn't want to mess anything up either. She'd wait for him to make the first move.

At least he hadn't flinched under her touch, that was a start.

"Y/N I..for the past..shit!" He cursed tugging at his hair.

"Take your time, Buck. I'm not going anywhere." She smiled and patted his leg reassuringly.

He took her hand in his.

"For the past two years I've been on my own. I did everything I could to remember who I was before this." He looked at his metal arm. "And without H.Y.D.R.A wiping away my memories every single time they resurfaced, I started to remember. Piece by piece, I completed the jigsaw puzzle that my past had turned into. I finally had a name for the girl who lived in my dreams." He brushed his thumb over her knuckles.

Y/N couldn't help the blush creeping up her face.

"I..I also remember how I hurt you, Y/N. I remember the hatred in your eyes..." He looked away.

"Buck, you did what you thought was right. You said so yourself. I love you, Bucky! Nothing can ever change that." She teared up.

"I'm a monster, Y/N. You shouldn't care for someone like me. It'll just bring you pain. It'll do you no good."

"Stop it! Stop saying things like that!" Y/N yelled.

Bucky flinched at her sudden outburst.

"Y/N you know I care about you..." He said in a calming voice.

_He didn't say love._

Her inner voice chided her.

"If you did care about me you'd know that I hate it when you put yourself down like that!"

"Y/N, it's not like that..." He ran his hand through his hair.

"Then what's it like, _James._ " She huffed.

"You don't know everything I've done, Y/N." He raised his voice a little. "If you knew all the awful things I have done, you wouldn't feel the same about me." He sighed. "I just want you to know the full truth before you make a decision." He added softly.

"I'm all ears." Y/N crossed her arms over her chest, still annoyed.

"Like the good stuff, I remember the bad things too. Every single death. I remember each gunshot, the blood gushing out of my victim's body. I remember squeezing the life out of their helpless body."

"You weren't in control, Bucky." Y/N said softly.

"But they were still my hands around their neck. Still my fingers on the trigger. Y/N I've killed my own friends. I've killed innocent people. Their blood is on my hands and their families deserve justice. I don't deserve to live, Y/N." He put his head in his hands. "I'm a monster." He choked up.

"Nothing is as beautiful as someone who has survived losing everything and still has a tender heart."

Y/N shifted closer to him and pulled his hands away from his face. His eyes were moist. It was as if the ocean itself was reflected in his eyes.

In all these years Y/N had never seen Bucky cry. It tore her heart apart.

"Oh Bucky! I wish you could see yourself the way I see you." She kissed his hands. Tears pooled in her eyes, threatening to escape. "H.Y.D.R.A messed with your brain. They snatched your life from you, controlled you, made you do things you didn't want to. Choosing death now, just gives them what they want. You can't let them win, Buck. Not today, not ever."

"Y/N, I-"

"I'm not finished." Y/N cut him off placing a finger to his lips. "You call yourself a monster but monsters don't feel remorse, Buck." She placed his metal arm over her chest and the flesh arm over his chest. "Close your eyes." She ordered.

"Wh-"

"Do it."

Bucky obeyed silently.

"Do you feel that? It beats the same, doesn't it? You aren't different Buck."

He opened his eyes and stared straight into hers. His gaze not shifting even once.

"We all have our demons. We just have to conquer them and we don't have to do that alone. I'm here for you. Steve is here for you. You are not alone. You will make it through this." She maintained eye contact.

"Stop that," he mumbled.

"What?" Y/N asked, confused.

"Saying things that make me want to kiss you." Y/N's heart fluttered uncontrollably.

"Then kiss me, you fool." She grinned.

As soon as the words left her mouth Bucky's lips crashed against hers, nearly knocking all wind from her lungs. Y/N eagerly wrapped her arms around his neck. A shiver ran down her spine as his cold metal arm touched the small of her back. They desperately pulled each other closer until their breaths were one.

His mouth was warm, the caress of his lips softer than she could imagine. He didn't rush like the first time.

Y/N smiled against his lips remembering their first kiss.

His tongue traced her lips, begging for permission. She opened her mouth with a soft moan. She could never deny him.

Bucky's brain lit on fire as his mouth explored hers. Warmth spread throughout his entire body. She was no longer his torment. She was his salvation. He knew that if he had to die, he'd want to do so with the memory of her kiss on his lips.

He had to be careful. Had to keep himself in control. He didn't want to hurt her again for he knew that if he lost her again, he'd lose himself. She was the half that made him whole.

Bucky pulled away only to leave a delicate butterfly of a kiss on her cheek. He laid her gently on the sofa so that she was underneath him.

Y/N peeled his jacket off of him. Her breathing hitched as Bucky kissed the scar on her collarbone.

"You're beautiful." He said breathlessly, finding his way to the crook of Y/N's neck. He left a trail of wet kisses all the way down her neck. Warmth radiated from the spot where his lips had touched her skin, slowly spreading throughout the rest of her.

"Y/N! I was out for a run-"

Steve's keys dropped to the floor and so did his jaw.

Taken by surprise Y/N pushed Bucky off of her with such force that he went flying, hitting the hardwood floor with a loud thud.

That was surely going to leave a dent.

Steve's gaze shifted from Y/N's flushed face to Bucky's messed up hair. He would've laughed at the two if he wasn't so shocked.

"I-I can come back later if you want," Steve said ending the awkward silence that had fallen upon the room.

"No! No! You two haven't had a chance to meet." Y/N had got up and was trying to fix her appearance. Bucky had recovered from his fall and was now standing awkwardly beside her.

Steve took long strides towards his best friend and pulled him into a bear hug.

"How have you been, Buck." He smiled.

"Not bad for a recovering amnesiac." Bucky quipped.

"I'll fix us something to eat." Y/N announced and headed to the kitchen.

Once she was out of earshot Steve grabbed Bucky's arm and whispered, "Next time spare the couch."

Bucky let out a laugh out of embarrassment, his ears turning red hot. "I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused." He said as they sat down.

"I should be the one apologising. I failed to keep our promise."

Bucky gave him a confused look.

"I'm sorry I didn't go after you. But I promise you again, I'm with you till the end of the line, bud." Steve gave Bucky's shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

Realisation flashed across Bucky's face. He had said those exact words to Steve a long time ago. Somewhere down the line, Steve had said it back. It had become a sort of an unsaid promise.

Bucky had no idea what he had done to deserve such a loyal friend. He honestly didn't think he deserved Steve and Y/N's selfless, unconditional love but they seemed to think he was worth it.

"A sunny side up for me scrambled for Buck and a poached egg for you." Y/N announced shaking Bucky out of his thoughts.

Steve gave her a knowing smile. This had been the staple every single time Y/N had cooked breakfast for Bucky and him. Though she hadn't had the heart to cook eggs ever since they had lost Bucky.

She had avoided a lot of things that reminded her of him, this was one of them and Steve knew that all too well.

"I have to say you've surely got better," Bucky mumbled as he chewed.

"Really? She hasn't cooked this in a long, long time." Y/N glared at Steve. The last thing she wanted was for Bucky to feel guilty.

Bucky's mouth formed an 'o' but he didn't say anything. Instead, he fed her a forkful of his scrambled egg so that she could judge it herself.

"Oh my God! I'm amazing." She nodded.

Bucky chuckled as he gently tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. Y/N's cheeks flushed immediately. They stared into each other's eyes as if they were stuck in some kind of trance.

"Christ! I'm going to have to be one of those, what do the kids call it these days?" Steve hung his head back, his brows knitting up in concentration. "A third wheel!" He exclaimed. "I'm going to be a third wheel, aren't I?"

Y/N giggled uncontrollably. Bucky patted Steve on the back sympathetically.

Steve smiled from ear to ear. He was extremely delighted that Y/N and Bucky, his best mates had finally found their way back to each other, beating all the odds.

* * *

* * *


End file.
